She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we're so committed to being not committed
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