im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
