I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I currently don't understand fingers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
