You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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