can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
