so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
