no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
