Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
