And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
