So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There are leaves in my underwear?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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