eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
