My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
