She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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