you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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