When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
