I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
