Im at strip club and am horny
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
