just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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