Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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