A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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