I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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