Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
