you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
