She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
