I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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