There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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