apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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