Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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