You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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