Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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