I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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