I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
