We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
