just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Randomize
