I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
