got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
