At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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