You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
