Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
