did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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