1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
