I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My cat gives me a boner
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this will be a night to untag.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
