She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
