Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
