I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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