During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
