one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
