Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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