He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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