Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
